Rules to live by

We’ve all seen or experienced a close encounter with one. The Douchebag. He comes in many forms but is always shamelessly wasting space.  Here is a set of rules all douchebags should learn and follow. Preferably adhere to, but you cant count on them to do anything consistent…except be a douchebag.

#1. Take off your sunglasses. They are for outside use only. In the mall you look like you’re confused, an asshole, or you’re covering up a black eye. If you’re wearing it somewhere dark like a movie theater or club I can only assume that you have suffered some sort of retardation or the cones and rods in your eyes have become over sensitized to light making it impossible to go anywhere without your glass, but granting you the ability to see in the dark.

#2. Your fake tan doesn’t make you tan. It makes you Orange, and you look like you’ve grown up in the sunny wastelands of Chernobyl. Go outside and get a real tan, you can actually disregard rule #1 in this instance.

#3. Cologne is meant to be spritzed, not bathed in. You smell like the clinique counter in Sears and it is mostly repulsive not attractive. You should be able to smell it, not taste it in the air around you.

#4. Language is meant to express yourself to others, you lack this skill and should think about reading a book now and then. “Buddy” “yoo guy” “yea man shit” “fuckin eh” “you know…”; this is not a conversation its the modern equivalent of discourse between cavemen or the studder of unfortunate turrets syndrome patients.

#5. Redbull is not a food group. Neither is Creatine

$6. You are not, I repeat you ARE NOT a UFC fighter. You cannot kick or punch your way out of a paper bag let alone a fight with someone who knows what they are doing. Because you take a MMA class with other like minded juice monkeys does not mean you’re the next GSP.

#7. Your girlfriend dressing like a whore doesn’t make her sexy, it makes her look like a whore.

#8. Skinny jeans are for women and eunuchs. If you’re not one of those you’re just embarrassing yourself and showing everyone you have no bulge.

#9. Canadian Tire is not for “performance” auto parts. Your car does not need performance parts. You need a new car.

#10. Stop being a douchebag, you’re not impressing anyone and you’re probably turning off a lot of people.